Literally, the meaning of the words "abuser" is: abuse - violence, and abuser - a person who commits violence, going beyond the permissible. He insults, humiliates and mocks morally close people.
Christian from 50 Shades of Grey is a prime example of what an emotional abuser is. He controls all aspects of the relationship with Anastasia, using isolation, stalking, threats and humiliation. The emotional abuse of this couple begins after the first meeting and before the last interaction that we see in the novel.
Basic definitions
Abuser is not just a moral and physical "domestic" rapist, but an owner who constantly controls the partner's behavior. He needs to know where his woman is. Jealousy is the second name of such a person. Relationships in a couple are built in such a way that a woman will always ask for time off to go somewhere and make excuses due to the slightest delay or route changes.
The abuser calls obsessively and can start to follow, makes scandals for the slightest reason. Brings to hysterics, checks communication with other people on the phone and social networks. A person with normal self-esteem and psyche does not have a painful need forconstant monitoring and verification of the partner's behavior.
Abuser is a person who treats relatives inappropriately, putting pressure on them, most often moral and physical.
Painful control
You can live with an abuser for a long time and not be aware of it, but justify the behavior of such a person by:
- he's out of his mind;
- tired at work;
- he's stressed;
- he is an alcoholic;
- he has an unrestrained personality.
When drunk, a man does not beat passers-by, but raises his hand only to his children and wife. Because of the stress at work, he does not make scandals with colleagues or friends, but brings his household members to hysterics. The true reason for such behavior is to gain control over defenseless people, over your woman, destroy her as an independent person and dictate your behavior. For abusers, a woman is a source of hatred, not love and respect.
They are sure that they have a certain status in relation to their wife and children, so the chosen one should think and take care only of him. The house is kept clean, food is tasty, fresh and served on time, socks are washed, shirts are pressed. His wife is not a close person for him, but a servant, who can be criticized and devalue her work.
Who is an abuser and how to recognize him, or a fairy tale with a bad ending
It is extremely difficult to recognize an abuser at the beginning of a relationship when everything is so romantic and beautiful - these people can be sophisticated and sophisticated in their behavior. into smalla woman in love never wants to pay attention to the shortcomings of her man. And when the candy-bouquet time passes, what was noticed in the corner of consciousness becomes obvious facts.
The sophistication of the abuser is that he gives a woman everything she wants from a relationship. Caress and care - there will be a lot of tenderness, constant SMS, a hot blanket and tea on a cold evening. I want attention - coffee in bed, cafes, restaurants, movies and, of course, your favorite flowers. Everything will look like a fairy tale, but without a happy ending.
The habit of living badly
The abuser is a manipulator and will wait as long as it takes until the victim gets used to suffering and learns to live with it. This is how the human psyche works - it was not possible to avoid torment, you have to live on. The dangerous moment is when the day comes and the woman realizes that tears and worries are a habitual way of life, from which she even enjoys.
Where does it all begin?
One day a woman will watch a program on TV after work. He, noticing that she was watching a talk show: "Only fools can watch other people's lives." She will be offended, he will go to sleep.
In a good mood, they both go to the store in the car, and her favorite music plays, which is suddenly interrupted by his rude remark: “You all hang your ears and are led by beautiful words. And you are there too! The mood is ruined, she is hysterical.
One day she will put on makeup before going out with him, and he will do "valuable"remark: “Why do you need to paint, I don’t understand. You become like a doll, the skin looks old. If you want to be scary, paint further! He will be offended that he was disobeyed. Baby takes a lot of time, and she does not have time to cook dinner for the arrival of her husband. To which he calmly declares: “Millions of women manage to do everything and do not complain, and those who are indignant remain single matters and are to blame for everything!”.
One day she will become pregnant, due to his own initiative, refusing contraception. Full of joyful experiences, she tells him in the hope of reciprocal delight. But he replies that he does not want a child, and he needs to have an abortion. When the stunned woman refuses, the abuser threatens with divorce, humiliation, insults, bullying and even beatings.
And there is happiness with an abuser
A woman's self-esteem is gradually breaking down, and this behavior of a man is becoming habitual, and it seems that not everything is so bad. He dilutes hours of horror with seconds of happiness and manifestations of sincerity. Personal boundaries are violated, and imperceptibly this way of life becomes commonplace. Moments of happiness are necessary for a woman to hide and justify the behavior of the abuser to her surroundings.
Tolerate or run?
He continues to bully her, she believes that if he changes his behavior, he will begin to treat her differently. Become a weak, sick, defenseless victim, do not express your opinion, so as not to anger him once again. A woman also cannot part with an abuser because of fear of the consequences.
Abuser (signs):
- rough physical treatment and verbal humiliation;
- inspiring confidence that it is impossible to get out of such a relationship;
- mocking wife and children;
- belief in a woman's inability to make decisions on her own;
- depreciation of the wife's goals, hobbies, attitudes, beliefs, exceeding one's abilities;
- indicating physical disabilities;
- intimidation of divorce, deprivation of money, parental rights;
- constant control over the movement of his wife;
- humiliation and insult to family, friends;
- an abuser is a person who always justifies his behavior with fatigue, nervous exhaustion, alcohol, stress, hunger;
- forced sexual intercourse against will;
- forced abortion or permanent childbearing;
- punishment for disobedience.
Only a woman will know a man well from this side, so she will have to deal with her problems on her own. Indeed, for the environment, this is an enviable husband, a caring father and just a good person. What can be done to avoid such relationships? Run and do not look back, pay attention to all the markers at the beginning of the relationship, so as not to drag them out. Treatment is possible provided that the patient really wants it. It is necessary to admit the problem and undergo a course of therapy with a psychologist, and not only to the husband, but also to the wife.
At home, the abuser will do everything to ensure that the partner is limited in communication and contacts. The less outside support, the morecount on obedience. Another characteristic of abusers is that they are easily offended and will show their dissatisfaction by slamming doors, stomping on the floor, facial expressions, etc. Their mood changes every five minutes, and it is almost impossible to keep track of these trends.
How to recognize a domestic abuser?
Who is an abuser? It is believed that with an accuracy of up to 95% it can be recognized if it is well drunk with an alcoholic drink. In cases where a person is drawn to feats after this or his hands “itch”, it is better to stay away from such suitors. If the drunk goes to sleep, there is no reason to consider him a potential abuser.
Every relationship, including marriage, has its own nuances, and even if they are not quite simple, this does not mean that a man is an abuser. A woman trembles with fear during a verbal conflict, is afraid to defend her opinion, knowing the consequences, even if she is right - a clear sign of abuse. If she clearly defends her positions, argues passionately and tries to reach the truth, this is a banal showdown.
